gone

My cousin died on the 10th, I started a new job on the 16th, and the only internet access I have is on my phone. So that's why I haven't been around lately and I probably won't be around for a while.

the ever elusive sleep

So I've always had sleeping issues. I can remember when I was younger - elementary school and even early junior high age - every night when I laid down to sleep I'd get these really horrible stomach cramps and would become nauseous. I didn't know exactly what it was or why it was happening but now that I look back on it, I have a sneaking suspicion that it may have been mini-anxiety attacks. Now, social anxiety I understand and deal with. But anxiety while trying to fall asleep? Don't get it. Anyway, that happened for years and as a result it took me hours to fall asleep; I'd lay silently crying in bed into the wee hours of the morning and then have to get up for school. During the summers, I'd stay up until 4am and sleep in until 4pm. I no longer deal with the nausea and cramps but I continue to have problems with sleep. I go through cycles where I fall asleep right away and wake up periodically throughout the night & then end up oversleeping, or I toss and turn all night, taking me hours to finally drift into a soundless sleep & again end up oversleeping, or I sleep lightly and wake up hours before I have to be up and can never fall back to sleep. At this point in my life, I'm at the second one. It takes me two-three hours to fall asleep each night and I usually don't wake up until an hour before I have to go to work. And because I work nights, I usually go in at 2, so I sleep half my day away. I feel disgusting about it. I hate sleeping in so late. The biggest problem with all this is the fact that I can never EVER feel rested. Whether I sleep too much or too little, I always wake up exhausted. Not just a little sleepy or tired either. Completely and utterly drained. Exhausted. Run down. Eyes drooping the whole day. It's ridiculous. Honestly, it may sound like an exaggeration, but I cannot recall a day in my entire 20 years when I woke up feeling rested, refreshed, and ready to start the day.

Now, I suffer from clinical depression and I know that depression disrupts sleeping patterns. I'm not sure when the depression first presented itself in me, but I can remember showing symptoms of it (or, what I know to be symptoms NOW) when I was about 10 years old. So the question is - did my depression cause the sleeping problems or did the sleeping problems cause the depression. Or maybe the sleeping problems were there all along and the depression just made them worse. Who knows. I guess it doesn't really matter now.

I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to refill my prescription for Celexa. I'm going to talk to my doctor about this. I have no energy at all, ever, to do anything. It's disrupting my life and I really can't take it anymore. Which brings me to this morning.

Matt and I got into an argument because I told him I was going to take Ramesses out for a walk and then come back in and go back to sleep. It was about 8am. He said, "How about this. I'll walk Ramesses and you do the dishes." (Our dishes are piling up in the sink; it's kind of gross.) I said, "Ok, but I'll do them when I wake up." And that got the ball rolling. His basic argument was that I don't do anything because I sleep all day and mine was that he doesn't do anything at all. Which is really not true at all. He does a lot - not everything, but enough. It was stupid and childish and I felt like an idiot so I started crying hysterically and blah blah blah. It was terribly pathetic. We eventually made up and he apologized and I apologized and everything's better now. But he's right. I don't do anything because I do sleep all day.

And it's time that stopped.

2.5

Today Matt & I have been together for two years and six months! Time is flying by. Oh, and he just sent me a text: "I love you! Thank you for giving me an amazing 2 and a half years. I have no idea what my life would be without you." God, my love for him is impossible to describe. He is such an incredible person and so good to me. But sometimes I fear my love for him is not enough. We both have our flaws and we tend to butt heads sometimes. What couple doesn't? But still, I want to be perfect for him, or, as perfect as possible. I need to change, I know that. And I'm going to make a conscious effort to start.

I'm also starting a new job on Monday, the 16th. My friend Candace got hired there last week so we're going to be working together again! I love that girl, she's so much fun. And I'm absolutely ecstatic about leaving the hotel. I'll be working days, 40 hours a week, and will be getting paid two dollars more an hour! And after I get my credit cards paid off, I'll be starting work on my chest piece and sleeves! Can't wait.

remains

I want to stop taking my medication. I feel as if I never have anything to say. Who am I without my depression? I've lived with it for so long, it has defined me, I believe. I do know that who I am on my medication is not the real me. I am not a zombie. I am not a mindless, thoughtless drone. I used to feel. I used to care.

I often think back over the past few years and all that has changed. I'm not the same person I was at 13 when I first started cutting. I'm not the same person I was at 15 when I wrote out suicide notes. I've grown up, I've matured. I've realized there is so much more to life than just this. But still I feel lost and alone. And ugly. Still I feel insane. The only difference is now I don't have the words to describe it. I don't have anywhere to turn to relieve the pain. As I get older, I get better, but worse at the same time. Is that even possible? I don't know where I am half the time, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking or feeling. Where is my head?

I want to get closer to God. Of this, I am sure. But I continue to hold myself back, tell myself it's not the right time. Why? I don't have any idea. I'm still trying to self-medicate.

101

January 1, 2009 - September 29, 2011

Done
In Progress

W o r k & F i n a n c e s :

oo1. Get a steady, well-paying job. Done! 01.06.09
oo2. Pay off my credit cards.
oo3. Get health insurance to pay for my medications. Done! 01.05.09
oo4. Pay off medical bills.
oo5. Have at least $1000 in my Savings Account by next year.
oo6. Sell/publish a written piece.

C a r e e r & E d u c a t i o n :

oo7. Take the SAT.
oo8. Apply for scholarships.
oo9. Get accepted to either UNT or UTA (with the intention of transferring to UT Austin after 2-4 years.)
o10. Maintain a GPA of 3.7 or higher.
o11. Learn to read and write Egyptian hieroglyphs.
o12. Study books on archaeology, anatomy, music, and theology at least twice a week.
o13. Get an intership/volunteer at an archaeological dig.
o14. Become involved in school clubs/activities/etc.

H e a l t h & B e a u t y:

o15. Maintain a healthy weight of 103 - 105lbs.
o16. Do yoga/pilates at least three times a week.
o17. Eat more/healthier.
o18. Grow out my hair to the middle of my back.
o19. Manage my depression.
o20. Get (dental) braces.
o21. Get into therapy.
o22. Eat at least 4 fruits regularly.
o23. Start flossing daily.

H o b b i e s / I n t e r e s t s & C r e a t i v i t y :

o24. Learn to play an instrument.
o25. Start journaling again. Write at least once a week. When this becomes routine, increase to twice a week, three times a week, and so on.
o26. Take vocal lessons.
o27. Take photography classes, buy a new camera, and start taking more photographs.
o28. Paint, draw, sculpt, etc. more often.
o29. Cook more! Make dinner for my family and Matt at least once every two weeks.
o30. Learn to speak fluently in Spanish.
o31. Learn other languages including: Latin, Arabic, French, German, Russian, Greek, Chinese, etc.
o32. Take a self-portrait once a month. (4/33)
o33. Start taking kenpo classes.
o34. Start taking belly dance classes.
o35. Watch 50 films made before 1970. (0/50)
o36. Go to a museum ten times a year. (2/10)
o37. Learn to swim.
o38. Go skydiving.
o39. Climb a mountain.
o40. Leave 10 pieces of guerrilla art or writing in public. (0/10)
o41. Throw a message in a bottle into the sea.
o42. Read a poem I've written at a poetry reading.
o43. Create a scrapbook of Matt & I's first apartment.
o44. Go to a dance club.
o45. Start my family tree.
o46. See a play and/or musical.
o47. Be in a theatrical play.
o48. Start writing again. Write at least two pages every other day. When this becomes routine, increase the number of pages/days, etc.
o49. Write a letter to serial killer.
o50. Learn to sew/crochet/knit.
o51. Write a letter to my senator concerning something I'm passionate about.
o52. Discover ten new bands. (0/10)
o53. Let Matt read my writing/journals. Done! 06.12.09
o54. Ride in a horse-drawn carriage.
o55. Take 150 pictures of Matt and I. (15/150)
o56. Send a secret to PostSecret.com.
o57. Become more involved in politics.
o58. Be more spontaneous.
o59. Spend more time outside.
o60. Completely fill a journal, then leave it in a public place.

S p i r i t u a l i t y & G i v i n g B a c k :

o61. Accomplish 100 hours of volunteer work. (0/100)
o62. Read the Bible.
o63. Go to church every Sunday without fail.
o64. Get more involved at my church.
o65. Become an organ/tissue/blood donor.
066. Donate 5,000 grams of rice through FreeRice.com. (4300/5000)

T a s k s / O r g a n i z a t i o n :

o67. Get my driver's license.
o68. Read 50 books in one year (1/50):
        1) The Amityville Horror by Jan Anson
        2) Pandora by Anne Rice
        3) The Shining by Stephen King
        4) Stealing Athena by Karen Essex
        5) Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
        6) April 1865 by Jay Winik
        7) Night by Elie Wiesel
        8) Memoirs: All Rivers Lead to the Sea by Elie Wiesel
        9) For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway
        10) The Bellini Madonna by Elizabeth Lowry
        11) A Club in Montmartre by Mike Resnick
o69. Get Papo's memorial tattoo.
o70. Get my corset and hip piercings done.
o71. Get an apartment with Matt. Done! 09.13.09
o72. Color an entire coloring book.
o73. Get all the files off the old laptop and transfer them to the new computer and/or fix old laptop.
o74. Finish painting my room. Done! 05.09.2009
o75. Get on birth control. Done! 04.26.2009
o76. Learn to drive on the freeway and not be afraid. Done!
o77. House/obediance train Ramesses.
o78. Make a time capsule to be opened in 20 years.
o79. Tint my car windows.
o80. Organize photos into photo albums.
o81. Get passport.
o82. Buy a new phone.
o83. Re-organize my photobucket albums.

T r a v e l :

o84. Take a trip to Colorado with Matt.
o85. Drive to Austin & San Antonio a few weekends out of the year.
o86. Travel outside of the US.
o87. Drive all night long without stopping to nowhere in particular.
o88. Visit the 10 Most Haunted Places in America (0/10)
o89. Go camping at least 3 times in the next two years. (0/3)
o90. Attend (at least) one music festival.
o91. Go to a film festival.
o92. Go to a drive-in movie.
o93. Visit at least 5 abandoned places. (1/5)
        [Wayne Feeds Factory - Fort Worth, TX 10.19.09]
o94. See the Northern Lights with Matt.
o95. Go ice-skating on a frozen lake.
o96. Go on a cruise.

S e x u a l i t y:

o97. Build sexual confidence.
o98. Be more sexually adventurous with Matt.
o99. Make love in the rain.
100. Do a striptease for Matt.

L i s t :

101. Start a new 101/1001 list.

8/101 things done.
716 days to go.